Am I having a commitment-phobic ?

21 Feb

let’s just say that some things have been messing around in my brain. I think a lot about it recently. and then.. I decided to write it. but, you know what? I have no mood in writing lately. so here I am.. trying to spill it out here, to share what have disturbed my mind the whole time. okay, since I don’t know where to start anyway, let’s just trow a question to start with. umm.. Am I afraid of having commitment? of being in a relationship? this is what exactly has been in mind which is disturbing but sincerely needs to be answered.

I dont know why’d I ever think about that. I used to be the one that said about the importance of having school or education in the first place before anything else. Also the one who said that every person are created with their own soulmate, so because of that, you do not need to feel worry about whom you’ll end up with. I believed that I used to think that. heck, I always had every intentions on saying that in the first place, in every chance I got. I know, that was me. a past version of myself.

But then, in some other nights, I recalled back what I used to say my “Principles”. what I used to stand for, before some things change my ways of thinking. well.. I look back to my past, and here what I see..

Firstly, I just realize that every single man that come to my liking, weren’t compatible with what I’ve mentioned as a perfect criteria of a person that I should fallen for. Due to that facts, it became a habit of mine to compare them with my list. well, don’t blame me for that. I really think that the story of Disney and other fairies and princess things got the best of me. FYI, my list aren’t contain about physical appearances only, but the attitudes and stuffs like that took a great part too in there. I just want to have my own happy ending, with a little influences of those beautiful story of course. Sadly, it was never happen from the beginning. I just keep falling for guys that did not meet all of my criteria which is always make me unsure whether that kind of feelings will turn out to be good thing or not.

Secondly, I admit myself that I had some bad experiences with males in the past which is maybe cost more than I think. umm.. I rather not to talk about it here, because it’s never be an easy subject to talk about. I like to interact with boys and I do that since I was a child. To be honest, as a child, I was felt convenient whenever I was surrounded by boys, in a friendly manner for sure. back to that time, I never think that girls where one that easy to understand. I usually found that they, I mean the girls, were quite amusing and disturbing. yeaa.. I played hide and seeks with boys, also rather spent time with time, talked about unimportant stuffs and others without being awkward. but, somehow, when it came to the idea of being together, I always turned them down.

LOL. okay, that was the fool me. ever heard about this statement “person who have the biggest crush to you is the one that mess around with you the most” ? That’s a friend of mine who proved it. In a chat that we have in the other night, he actually admit that he once had interest on me since we belong to the same school. but, as what I’ve said before, I kept turn him down the whole time. that’s went along with the fact that I didn’t even bother to pay any attention to everything that he had done. whuthell. was I too blind to read any signals that he already made it obvious for me to see? I mean, I kind of like him too that time. but, I think I did not suit him well enough. so, I just dropped it. Not to mention the part that he also a kind-of-player that kind of make me a bit jealous to see him around the girls, so I chose not to think about it anymore. well, he become my best friend until now. we keep in touch with each other, talk frequently, but nothing else.

Back to the topic, as much as I want to deny but there is a part of me that can’t bare the thought of losing someone. yeah.. I know, almost all of us don’t want that happen too. and it affects me a lot. I know that being in relationship do not guarantee your partner to be yours forever. but still, I can not accept that. simply because I never seen any beautiful stories that have a happy ending with someone else by losing the others. I’m being pathetic, I know. it just.. I never mentally being prepared for moments like that.

well, I want to write more actually. but, I think I have to pinpoint this. the real reason after all of this writing is simply because I have this man in my head lately. he’s an older person than me. And the more I know him, he seems get better and better image in my mind. maybe because I stop think about the perfect person, who does not really exist, until finally I see nothing but a good and gentle person he really is. he seems like a possessive guy which, in a weird way, I like. and I really really do not want to mess up nor to screw up with this one. yes, I know, you can sense that there is a big ‘but’ coming. It because I still not sure whether I capable or not on handling this one. To say that I really in love with someone, is definitely a big thing for me to do. Am I ready to risk anything bad happen to my feeling and give it a try? I know that I’m not easily breakable, but i don’t have any idea how much my heart could handle.

Apparently I have not answer any of my question correctly. well, like the lame proverb that said “without getting yourself dirty, you’ll not learn” or the one that said “experiences will always be the best teacher to learn from”. I give credits on those proverbs. maybe they are right about try at first then determine later. not that I’m being fool, but sometimes, not all the things can be understand by learn from others experiences or the theories. So, in the end of this post, I think, I will risk on getting the worst, give it a try for once, and of course, I’ll always hope that the result will be the best for me.

Like I said before, have faith, guys!! (:

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