#WritingChallengeJune – Choices

Two years ago, a man asked for my hand in marriage.

I, being the person that I am, said, “Not now, please.”

He said, he had wanted stability and future, and he wanted it to be with me. While I longed for something else, flexibility and present.

Looking back, I realize at that moment it was my fear who did all the talking and thinking. I kind of freezing up and said the only answer I could muster, “not now, please.” I remember thinking that I was not ready to this ‘next step of commitment’ he offered. I remember the silence after. A few second longer than it supposed to. It got more uncomfortable by each passing second.

He then calmly tilted my chin up and asked, “Why?”

I gave him the same answer I gave to someone else before him. The same answer that 12 years old me had me promised. “Because I made a promise to myself that I won’t get married younger than 25 years old.” I looked at his eyes and said, “My biggest fear is regret. I don’t want to marry young and later feel like I was missing the opportunity to do more before signing up for more serious commitment like marriage. I want to do it right.”

I guess, everyone start off as a blank piece of paper until they decide to write their own stories and rules. For me, I have this milestone guide that I made after I got inspired from reading a lot of motivation books and biography. The marriage’s milestone definitely won’t happen before the age of 25. I mean, by giving myself 25 years, I supposedly give myself chances to take many risky opportunities and experience a lot of failures as the cost of figuring out what I want to do and be. Choices that perhaps I couldn’t afford to make after having a family of my own.

This kind of silence was killing me slowly. There he sat quietly while gazing at me. I just had to say something. Anything.

“If marriage is your number one priority right now, I won’t try to hold you back or even tell you to wait for me. It would be unfair for both of us.” I don’t remember how low my voice became after each word. It felt like an episode of past life was happening all over again. Losing another person for my inability to say yes. There was I, stared anywhere but him and started to prepare for the worst.

When he finally started to speak, he reached out for my fingers. Our eyes met.

He said, “I don’t mind waiting. It is you that I want.”